i say this at least once a day

Dear God,
Please help me help monster.
Help me be a better wife and mother, because I know I am failing at them now.
Help me to calm down, take a deep breath and think before reacting to a screaming child or cranky husband.

tough times

2013

As much as I like Thanksgiving, the week before it is a tough one for my husband, and me too, but more so him. This year was the 5-year anniversary of the death of his best friend, on November 21, and also the 4-year anniversary of the death of his father, on November 20. So, needless to say for a couple of years, Thanksgiving was not the most celebrated of holidays in our house. It's hard to know what to say to him and he keeps a lot of his grief inside. But what I do is try to show him how much I love him and just be there if he wants me to be.

2010

2012

2011

To buy or not to buy...

I have this really bad/weird habit of writing down a list of things I need/want to buy and then getting to the store and deciding I either don't really need them or want to spend the money on them. Case in point, I have a list of things I'll eventually need for the baby, things like pacifiers, bottle nipples, milk storage bags, etc. Today was the second time I've gotten to Target and not bought any of the things on the list. I just didn't want to do it today. 

Same thing goes at the grocery store, I put things we need on the list, get to the store but don't buy them. Sometimes I forget but sometimes it's a deliberate omission (like that fancy wording?). 

What gives? Anyone else do this or am I a lone weirdero? 

I'm done... (whiny)

This time it's bad. I hurt. Everything hurts from my arms pits to my toes. I can't do anything easily, not even sit/lie down. Everything takes 3 times as long and I don't care for it. I know, I know, it's not going to last forever but seriously... It's taking my already unstable emotions and making them worse. I remember last time it sucked, but it was not this bad. Last time it hurt but not as much or as long. But I suppose, this time I have a large baby, possibly a giant, inside me along with outside pressures of a 2 year old who needs extra help, a husband who is a full time student plus working, a job that is ending in a few weeks with no prospects for work on the other side, and a bunch of overwhelmed emotions/hormones with no place to express them and a husband whose patience for me is almost gone.

so the moral of the story? I'm done... once December 4th hits (because we're taking monster to Gillette's on the 3rd) this baby had better show up toot suite because I don't think I can handle it much longer.

slightly materialistic but that's okay... i like stuff

I've been thinking about coats lately... since it's getting cold here and I don't want to ruin my winter coat by stretching it out, I've been freezing in only my fleece that I have already stretched out. I'm thinking I can get away with wearing just the fleece if I add more layers underneath it... and a scarf and hat. :-) Good thing I don't really do my hair.

Now, this is a slightly materialistic question, and completely girly, but how many coats does a person need?

JT has 3 -- A wool peacoat, a Columbia jacket, and a fall/spring jacket. oh, 4 he has a down vest too. Mostly he just wears a sweatshirt if he's going outside...

I have more than 3 but I want to start over with my outerwear wardrobe since nothing really fits that great anyway. Currently, I have  -- A Columbia type jacket, a dressier suede coat, a trench coat, a fleece jacket, a vest, an old cheer leading windbreaker, and a jean jacket. I think that's it...

What do I need? Living in MN makes it hard to have just one coat. I feel like I need a playing in the snow jacket and an everyday jacket, plus a dressy winter coat... but then there's 2 other seasons that also require outerwear... and a rain coat would probably be a good investment. But, do i get a dressy rain coat or a casual raincoat... ???

Help! :-)

What kinds of coats/jackets do you have and do you think they're enough? Liz?? Ms. Coat-Guru?

Hospital bag list

I don't know if you know this about me... or have figured it out about me... but I like to make lists. Lists about everything, chores to do, calls to make, things to pack, things to do at work, etc... so, here's another list. 

Hospital bag
Pillows (striped case)
Boppy
Phones and chargers
Earphones
Camera
Cash 
Notebook & pen
Gum
Snacks -- trail mix, granola bars, fruit?

Baby
Car seat and cover (install base)
Blankie
Nail clippers
Going home outfit (NB and 3m)
Present and card for monster 

Me
Sweat pants (2)
Long sleeve shirts (2)
Undies 
Flip flops
Socks
Nursing tanks (2)
Zippy Sweatshirt
Outfit to wear home (wear there?)
Toothbrush and toothpaste
Hair brush/comb
Hair tie/headband
Chapstick
Shampoo/conditioner
Face wash/moisturizer 
Body wash/loofah 
Lotion/coconut oil
Deodorant

JT
Pj pants
Slippers
Toothbrush
Contact stuff
Glasses case
Deodorant
Shirt
Boxers
Socks 

Am I missing anything?? I honestly can't remember what I brought and did or didn't use the last time I was there... it was such a fog for most of the time.

it's a giant

And in this corner, tipping the scales at over 4 pounds, we have... GIANT BABY.

yeah. so this kid is gonna be a big one. I knew it. But maybe not... measuring average at about 31-32 weeks so, right about where we should be. however, I think and feel like this kiddo is a big giant baby.

hopefully all the super cute clothes will fit :-) Priorities, ya know? hahaha.

Stuff to do... updated

Deep clean monster's room (set up dresser,put away clothes and toys, find place to store too-big clothes, vacuum behind/under everything, rearrange chairs/wash slipcover)
Rearrange office (move all office stuff to one side)
Clear out junk and clean/organize closets (remove everything not necessary)
Set up crib, etc.
Wash and put away baby clothes (make list of what's needed/ask brother)
Order mattress, sheets, changing pad/cover
Buy/install ceiling fan/space heater
Buy diapers, wipes, Desitin, Vaseline, etc
Organize diaper bag
Put together/pull out baby stuff (swing, etc)
Freezer meals
Clean house top to bottom (or find someone to do it)
Find and sterilize breast pump parts
Pack hospital bag (make a list... can't remember what I brought last time)
Ask mom about daycare/watching monster for birth
Pack Monster's bag (make a list, figure out how many days/what times gone)
Figure out monster's schedule for therapy, etc.
Get big sister shirt and present
Buy toiletries for after (pads, gauze etc)
Get a pedicure
Christmas stuff (presents, etc)
Schedule C section
Figure out help for after
Find/start baby book/calendar
Load up kindle/music on phone

Remember remember the 5th of November

I had high hopes of posting every day in November this year, however, since it is now the 5th and I have posted once, it looks like it's not happening. Oh well. Just another thing on my to-do list that needs to get crossed off, am I right?

I would like to keep this blog up-to-date but I just don't seem to have the motivation lately... and by lately I mean the last few months.

And so I will leave you with this travesty... brown shoes, black pants (covered in cat hair). I hate myself for this choice, but alas it could not be prevented... pregnancy makes my legs swell and I can't wear socks/cute shoes. Thanks Liz for this totally perfect Christmas gift last year BTW :-)

blatherings...

Its been an interesting couple of weeks around here. Not quite 2 weeks ago, I found out that my department at work is being completely eliminated as of January 5th. This means that I will not have a job starting January 6, 2014. Of course, I'll be on maternity leave at that point, so that is excellent timing. However, I was offered a severance package and I will have the option to continue with my same health benefits at my same cost for 2 months, so at least I don't have to worry about that quite as soon as other people. However, I will lose whatever sick time I had banked up, which I had planned on using for maternity leave. That sucks.

So, I'm sort of beginning to search for a new job, which is a nice push in the direction I wanted to go anyway, but the timing could definitely have been better.

Monster's new trick the last couple of weeks has been screaming bloody murder at bed and nap time. The girl does not want to sleep all of a sudden. I don't know what to do with her. She is inconsolable. and then I get frustrated and angry. This does not help my anxiety. And she'll wake up screaming in the middle of the night as well. JT never hears her but I do. So the disrupted sleep does not help either. No wonder "I'm a joy to be around lately." Hell, some times I don't want to be around me either but I can't go anywhere. Hormones and frustration and sleep deprivation do not make for a happy mix.

I don't know. It's just a stressful time around here. My coworker seems to think I'll have a baby early due to stress but I hope not too early, just early enough.